Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Ten Top Tips: All Titchynob needs to know to end those annoying conversations

Every time Titchynob meets a new Ambridgian (which always seems to be as he enters or leaves the shop - trading figures will be good this month) he embarks upon a "aren't you *********? And aren't you related to *********?" [fill in your own blanks] conversation.

This could go on for years. I therefore offer the ten facts that anyone needs to know about Ambridge Folk in the hope that such conversations will be rendered unnecessary.

So, Titchynob, read and learn. Read and learn:

David Archer Murderer. Lured benign, beautiful, beatified Nigel to his death with some spurious tale of banner removal.

Tom Archer Single-minded (or his that single-cell-minded?) small-time businessman with ideas above his station. Idolises cousin David - hence his own (failed) attempt to murder his own father.

ChrisTHORpher and Alice Carter  Restless young ones with itchy feet and itchy other things under those leather aprons. Keen for a family but yet to beat the curse of the venison casserole.

David Archer Murderer. Wanted by all Badger conservationists for crimes against the stripy ones.

The Baster of Ambridge Has already fathered Henry Ian Archer and is available for further stud duties. If venison casserole remains on the menu for much longer, may be called upon by the Carters (see above).

Roof Archer  Not to be confused with 'Lower Loxley Roof' (which Murderer David Archer may have done in the fallout from Samthegrassexpertgate).

Ed and William Grundy The Brothers Grim of Ambridge. Never got the hang of sharing as children.

David Archer Murderer. Default position. Think of this as a "Get out of Jail Free" card and present it on relevant occasions.

Matt and Paul Crawford  Brothers in Arms (Lilian's arms). Unwittingly much better at sharing than Ed and William Grundy (see above).

Elizabeth Archer  The Merry Widow. Showing signs of embarking on another Iffy relationship. Note to Iffy: she prefers men who sell ice creams, dress in gorilla suits and build follies. Whatever you do, don't go near the roooooooooo.............

Armed with these ten facts Titchynob ought to be able to get along so can we please get back to the stories and those unanswered questions such as: Where is Ian? Why didn't it snow in Borsetshire? Have Tom Archer Gourmet Burgers been tested for traces of Topper? And What really went on in Liverpool?

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