Ten Top Tips: All Titchynob needs to know to end those annoying conversations

Every time Titchynob meets a new Ambridgian (which always seems to be as he enters or leaves the shop - trading figures will be good this month) he embarks upon a "aren't you *********? And aren't you related to *********?" [fill in your own blanks] conversation.

This could go on for years. I therefore offer the ten facts that anyone needs to know about Ambridge Folk in the hope that such conversations will be rendered unnecessary.

So, Titchynob, read and learn. Read and learn:

David Archer Murderer. Lured benign, beautiful, beatified Nigel to his death with some spurious tale of banner removal.

Tom Archer Single-minded (or his that single-cell-minded?) small-time businessman with ideas above his station. Idolises cousin David - hence his own (failed) attempt to murder his own father.

ChrisTHORpher and Alice Carter  Restless young ones with itchy feet and itchy other things under those leather aprons. Keen for a family but yet to beat the curse of the venison casserole.

David Archer Murderer. Wanted by all Badger conservationists for crimes against the stripy ones.

The Baster of Ambridge Has already fathered Henry Ian Archer and is available for further stud duties. If venison casserole remains on the menu for much longer, may be called upon by the Carters (see above).

Roof Archer  Not to be confused with 'Lower Loxley Roof' (which Murderer David Archer may have done in the fallout from Samthegrassexpertgate).

Ed and William Grundy The Brothers Grim of Ambridge. Never got the hang of sharing as children.

David Archer Murderer. Default position. Think of this as a "Get out of Jail Free" card and present it on relevant occasions.

Matt and Paul Crawford  Brothers in Arms (Lilian's arms). Unwittingly much better at sharing than Ed and William Grundy (see above).

Elizabeth Archer  The Merry Widow. Showing signs of embarking on another Iffy relationship. Note to Iffy: she prefers men who sell ice creams, dress in gorilla suits and build follies. Whatever you do, don't go near the roooooooooo.............

Armed with these ten facts Titchynob ought to be able to get along so can we please get back to the stories and those unanswered questions such as: Where is Ian? Why didn't it snow in Borsetshire? Have Tom Archer Gourmet Burgers been tested for traces of Topper? And What really went on in Liverpool?

Ambridge Film Club

It's a little known fact that when the microphones fall silent on a Saturday, the good folk of Ambridge take the opportunity to gather in the Village Hall for one of the great social events of the week: Ambridge Film Club.

Here's the Club's self-selected top ten:

Ambridge Chainsaw Massacre
Kathy sends Jamie off to work without sandwiches. He gets a little cross.

Fiddler on the Roof
Lizzie invites Iffy to a twilight rendezvous. Quite who does the fiddling is only revealed in the final reel.

Bring me the Veg of Alfredo Garcia
Pat packs the veg boxes.

There's a Girl in My Soup
An extended dream sequence featuring Tony Archer.

The not-so-merry Widow
Tragic sequel to Fiddler on the Roof

Les Miserables
Lunch at Bridge Farm.

A.I.
The Life and Times of a young Archer. Sometimes known as A Baste of Henry.

Oh! What a Lovely Door
Handy D.I.Y. tips from Robert Snell.

Meet the Tuckers
An amusing tale of uncomfortable social misunderstandings, ballroom dancing and confectionery based double-entendre.

Saving Brian's Privates
Another close shave (in more ways than one) for the cravat-wielding megalomaniac.

Next week: Ambridge's Top Ten TV programmes. Suggestions for these, or other favourite films, can be posted below or directly to @TonysConsultant.

Ambridge Thank You letters hit the doormat

[Thought for the day: Has Ambridge ever had a Postman?]

As the Festivities become a distant memory, the good folk of Ambridge - good mannered bunch as they are - have finally got round to writing their Thank You letters. Here is a selection:

"Dearest Tiger

Thank you soooo much for the beauuuuutiful dress you bought me for Christmas. You have no idea what thoughts go through my mind every time I look at it, every time I put it on and - especially - every time I take it off.

No idea at all.

All my love,

Pusscat xxx"

"Dearest Pusscat

 Thanks my love. Can't remember what you gave me but I'm sure it was smashing. Lunch in The Bull?

Your loving and attentive Tiger.

Grrrrrrrrr xxx"

An Open Letter to The Echo (Echo)

"Dear Sir

I crave your indulgence to use your organ to try to communicate with whomsoever bought me my Secret Santa gift.

 A voucher for "A New Year's Knight on the Tiles" at Grey Gables is neither big nor clever. Unless it's from Iffy, of course, in which case I accept with gratitude.

Yours in despair,

The not-so-merry Widow, Lower Loxley"

"My dear Henry

I realise it will be many years before you can read this letter, but we will save it in your Memory Box for the future.

I want to thank you for being a wonderful - if surprisingly quiet - son. And I want to share with you this latest photograph of your father:

                                            

Your ever loving, if ever-so-slightly irritating,

Mother (let's be trendy - call me Helen) xxxx"

"By email:

To:                 daniel@westendmusicals.co.uk

 From:           alastair@bigbutchvets.com

Subject:        Your Christmas Gift

Son - we need to talk.

Your mother and I have tried very hard to indulge your interests. You must appreciate that the very fact that your mother drives you to Birmingham every week for your tap lessons is a sacrifice. I am also not sure how long we can carry on expecting Grandpa Jim to believe that these are part of a grand plan for you to go into plumbing. 

But you must not expect everyone else in the family to share your interests. Judy Garland's Greatest Hits is, I am sure, a wonderful piece of work, but Uncle David is not amused by it. Fiddler on the Roof may seem an amusing gift for Auntie Elizabeth, but at the last count she has yet to see the funny side.

Man up, Boy!"

No doubt there are other Thank You letters in the ether. Please post them here, or send them direct to @TonysConsultant.