Wednesday, 19 December 2012

That Lower Loxley Report in Full

Earlier in the year, Elizabeth commissioned Duncan (from the Felpersham Institute of Stating the Bleedin' Obvious) to write a report on the future of her beloved Lower Loxley. Various elements of the Report have been discussed, some have been leaked, but the five major findings have never been published. Here, in a scoop that would not be possible after the findings of Leveson have been properly implemented, we preview those findings in advance of an expose in The Echo:

1. Staffing
A Lady of the Manor is only as good as her staff. Since Nigel's death, have you been properly staffed? You will only see things clearly and be able to moved forward with good staffing.

2. Play to your strengths
Look around you. There are many resources directly to hand which are currently under exploited. Why, for example, are you spending money on chimney sweeps when Freddie and Lily have time on their hands? Why throw good money after bad on Iffy providing tuition when Freddie could be gainfully employed up a chimney?

3. Know your enemy
Understand and confront the enemy. Lull it into a false sense of security. Engage with it. Persuade it you are seeking its advice and wisdom. Then, for the coup de grace, invite it to deliver the final overview by observing the estate from a suitable vantage point: the roof! Christmas lunch should entice it in. You know you want to.

4. Market Research
Know your market. From The Orangery to the allotments, understand what it is that your public needs and meet those needs. Is there enough Fig Roll in the Orangery? Have you considered Codpiece and Chips as a Turkey alternative (or as a Turkey, as brother Kenton is about to discover)? And does the layout of the Estate reflect the public's tastes and desires? Which leads on to the most important finding:

5. The Nigel Pargetter Memorial Roof Garden
Much of the above can be combined in one action: the creation of the Nigel Pargetter Memorial Roof Garden. Just think what Machiavellian fun you could have with a formal opening the dark...on the ice.....on New Year's Day.....Make Nigel and the children proud!

Please suggest other findings below or via Twitter to @TonysConsultant. You know it makes sense.