It's been a traumatic few days for the Aldridge family since Adam Macey was rushed into ICU via A&E. In response to the many well wishers who have been making enquiries, Borchester DGH has issued the following bulletin:
"Adam Macey was admitted to Borchester A&E on Friday evening after an accident of which we have few details. He was accompanied by his "cousin" whose appearance can only be described as "banged to rights".
"Adam's condition will be monitored for some days before a decision is made on surgery but in the meantime his comfort is paramount. To facilitate this we will need to insist upon a few "house rules":
"The young couple who were found in an adjoining bed wearing nothing but leather aprons must refrain from such activity;
"The young lady who unplugged Adam's ventilator in order to power her laptop must not return. We don't care how important Facebook marketing is to her boyfriend's empire;
"Said boyfriend will remove his stall from outside The Friends' canteen and his burger van from the car park. He must also refrain from chanting "Venison Meat Balls" in Adam's ear;
"The lady with the ruddy complexion must leave all bottles of spirits at the Nurses' station. Her insistence that "Darling Adam" will benefit from intravenous "liveners" is yet to be proved medically;
"No hot casseroles are to be allowed into the room;
"No cravats or tasselled loafers - they are simply fashion crimes.
"We will issue further bulletins when news becomes available. In the meantime, thank you for your patience, and thank you for your patients. NHS reforms mean we are paid by the head, and recently Ambridge has been providing us with good value."